


Your Memory Persists

by FanGirlyGlee



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Abuse, issues of consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-03 06:56:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16321319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanGirlyGlee/pseuds/FanGirlyGlee
Summary: Inspired by works and art suggesting that Mick and Ray could have had interacted more in the "Doomworld" timeline.  Also revisiting my headcannon that the Time Masters' altertered MIck's brain.  In this case enables enables him to perceive changes to the timeline.Fair Warning: In this fic there will be mentions of a Ray having been sexually assaulted as a teenager and discussions of how that impacted his life.    There are no graphic descriptions, but he will explore his memories surrounding the incident and the aftermath. I'll restate this again before the chapters involved.Chapter titles are lifted from the lyrics of various gothic/industrial pieces that I've been enjoying since I found my MP3 player again.





	1. Two Worlds and In Between

Unable to stifle another yawn, Ray glanced at his watch to find that ‘just one more chapter’ had led to staying up for an hour longer than he'd intended.  There was no substitute for a book he could hold, with pages he would physically turn when he needed to wind down at the end of a hectic day.   He'd just turned out the lights when there was a knock at the door.  At 1 AM WST (Waverider Standard Time) it could only be one person.  “Come in, Mick,” Ray called out.  Back lit by the dull glow of the corridor a familiar lumbering shape mumbled, “CanIsleep?” 

“Yes, you can sleep here.”  An apparently exhausted Mick Rory shuffled into the room and flopped onto the one bunk.   “Boots off please.”  Two thumps followed by a hearty belch completed what had become a familiar bedtime ritual since the Legends reclaimed the Waverider from the Time Bureau. 

One night, out of the blue, Mick had shown up at Ray's door smelling like a punctured pony keg and dead on his feet.  Through a series of grunts and hand waving he managed to convey a desire to sleep in Ray's room. He was absent when Ray woke up the next morning, only to reappear two nights later, signaling the start of what would become a semi-regular occurrence. Ray had to admit it was an odd arrangement for two grown men, but it worked for them. Mick didn't snore too loudly or try to hog the blankets.  Ray was aware of his own tendency to flail while sleep.  Several ex-girlfriends complained of arms flying out to land heavily across their chest and necks.  Mick never complained.  More than morning Ray found his arms folded across his chest like a mummy's. 

Ray didn't read too much into why he and Mick found each other’s presence so comforting.    They didn’t stay up late talking about dreams or confessing their deepest secrets.  It seemed they both liked falling asleep to the sound of another person's even breathing. There were other perks as well.  Waking in the throes of a nightmare, Mick would thump him on the back and mutter quietly until Ray could sleep again. So what if Mick was always gone before the alarm went off, and they never talked about it.  That’s just how things were.  It was fine.  Ray was fine with it.  Only sometimes it was just a _little_ bit strange.  Like when Mick talked in his sleep; arguing with Snart about things that Ray didn't think had ever happened.  And a handful of times Mick called him “Babe” and wanted to spoon. Once Ray felt lips pressed to the back of his neck while Mick whispered what might have been a come on but could also have been about dessert.   Ray had wiggled free and stood beside the bed to register a complaint.   “Mick, you're dreaming,” he stated firmly.

“Dreaming 'bout you, Babe.”

“I doubt that very much.  Go to sleep." As Mick was still again Ray had no qualms about laying next to the other man.   He was confident in his ability to deal with his friend's misplaced affections.

Xxx

_About 18 months earlier, or later depending on how you look at it, in a defunct timeline_...

Mick hated checking in with Thawne.  Okay he'd hitched his wagon to the same horses as the Legion, but it didn't mean he had to giddyup every time that smug prick snapped his fingers.  Snart was equally grating.  The Len Mick remembered best was sharp, calculating, and perfectly in control.  But this Len had a sick edge to him, a terrible _coldness_ for lack of a better word, that Mick found unsettling.   He didn't know whether Thawne's influence was to blame, or if he'd just been so screwed up in the head back in the day that he hadn't been able to see Len's psychopathic tendencies for what they were.  Either way, things didn't feel the same as he’d hoped they would.  For a while it was fun being the crime kings of Central; money, booze, and people to screw falling at their feet.  Why didn’t it make Mick happy?  This reality was just as twisted as the 2046 Star City he'd adored, only cleaner. 

“Speaking of clean,” Mick thought as a certain janitor emerged from the alley that led to the service entrance for STAR labs.   There was something about the sight of that goofy face that cheered him up.  Amaya and Sara's personalities had been done a one-eighty, but Ray was still Ray; smiling for no apparent reason.  Eyes cast downward as he walked past Mick, Ray's chin lifted upward a moment later; his gaze was fixed on the night sky. “Hey.”  Ray turned, a finger pressed to his own chest.  “Yeah, you,” Mick confirmed. “Whatcha lookin' at?”

Ray's tilted his head as if he hadn't understood the question.  Then he grinned, like Mick had said something funny.  “The sky.  I mean, that's what's up there. There's a full moon, and Venus is so bright this time of year I could find my way home without the street lights.”

“Which one's Venus?”  Mick asked.  Ray pointed toward what looked like just another star, and launched into an explanation of why it was so “luminous” at the moment.  Mick let him go on until, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Len coming out the front door.   “Uh, cool.  See you around.”  He turned quickly and walked away.

 

The next day Mick bought a telescope.  He could have stolen it, but technically he'd stolen the money to go shopping in the first place so he figured it wasn't worth the risk. Waiting in line at the nerd store he spotted a robotics kit and bought that too.  According to Google, Venus would be at its peak brilliance in two days.  Forty-eight hours later he was loitering around the corner from STAR labs as the day shift ended.  “Hey,” he called out.

Ray raised his hand and gave a small wave.  “Hey yourself.”  Seconds passed in silence until Mick realized Ray wasn't going to start talking about anything and everything like he used to.

“I got a telescope...for my nephew, but I don't know how to put it together.  I thought maybe you could help me out and then try it out tonight on Venus or whatever.” 

Ray's face lit up. “Wow, that'd be awesome.  I'd say you could bring it to my place, but I live in a basement, so um, not the best view.”

“My place has a balcony if you wanna come over.  Car's just down the street.”

 

Glancing back toward STAR Labs, Ray seemed nervous for a moment, but nodded.  Mick drove with the top down, expecting complaints about his lack of caution as he sped through yellow lights.  But the man sitting next to him in cheered and raised his arms in the air like he was on a carnival ride.  He made a quick stop for a couple pizzas, remembering to get one with gluten free crust. 

Ray whistled as he stepped into Mick's place.  “Wow, this is nice. You must work really hard for Mr. Thawne.”

Mick laughed out loud.  “It's nice enough, but no, I don't work very hard at all.”  Ray's eyes widened slightly, and then he smiled shyly.  The telescope was easy to put together so they opened the robotics kit while the sun set. 

“What's your nephew's name?” Ray inquired through a mouthful of pizza.

“Erm, Barry.”

 “Well, Barry is really lucky.  We'll be able to see everything tonight.  Hey, put your finger here.”  Mick did as he was instructed, and Ray snapped the legs onto the little crab robot they'd assembled.  “This is fun.  I like building stuff.  Usually I just play video games before bed.”

“What do you play?”

“Anything where I can blow stuff up. Don't like the ones with puzzles.”  

Mick frowned.  “How come?” 

A pink tinge highlighted Ray's cheekbones.  “I'm not very smart,” he replied softly.

“Yeah whatever.  You just told me a bunch of stuff I didn't know about planets and we're putting together a robot.”

“It's for kids,” Ray pointed out.

“Still a robot,” Mick insisted.  “Don't sell yourself short.”

The evening was over too soon as Ray insisted he had to get home and hit the hay so he wouldn't be late for work in the morning.  

 

In no time Mick was bored again.  Unable to think of another ruse he just asked Ray if he wanted to hang out.  The younger man was amenable.  “You probably shouldn't wait around here for me anymore.  You don't want people to see you talking to the janitor.  They'd think you were nuts.”

 “I don't give a damn what other people think,” Mick shot back. “Uh, I mean, it's nice of you to be concerned.  That's why I got you a phone.  Hope that's cool.”  He handed the Kord Industries smart phone over to Ray.  “My number's in it.  I gotta job to do outta town for about a week and then I'll text you.”

 “Cool. Thanks, Mick.” 

 

Three days into planning what would no doubt be a stupidly easy heist Mick wondered what Ray was up to and decided to text him.  “Anyone I know?” Snart probed. Mick flipped him the bird and went back to reading Ray's account of the latest row between Jax and Stein.  Mick pushed aside twinges of guilt and reminded himself the professor could stand to be taken down a peg.  When the job was over Mick picked up some newly released games that Ray had mentioned wanting to try, but couldn't yet afford.  He waited impatiently, wishing Ray hadn't insisted on walking.   When the bell rang Mick jumped from the couch, only to become enraged by what he saw in the doorway.  “Who hit you?” he demanded.

The yellow-ringed purple bruise under Ray's left eye made Mick's hands itch.  Ray was clearly embarrassed.  “Nobody really.  Doctor Stein was upset and he threw a paperweight.  I just didn't duck fast enough.”

 “I guess I need to have a talk with the professor.”

 Ray paled.  “Oh no, Mick.  Please don't.  He didn't mean to.  He just has bad aim.  He's under so much pressure.  Mr. Jackson needs him to work overtime on something really important, and it's making everybody in the lab really tense.  He said he was sorry a bunch of times, and it doesn't even hurt very much anymore.”

Mick relented.  “If you're sure.  Get in here and have some dinner.”

“What’d you get? Aww, salad?”

“Have you even eaten a fruit or vegetable today?”

“Maybe. Okay, no.”

“Well then. You gotta eat something healthy.  Then you can have cupcakes while we play the latest GTA.”

“You got the new one? Oh man, I'm gonna steal so many more cars than you.”

“You have no idea how awesome that sounds.”

 

An hour later they were both laughing and getting the game controllers sticky with frosting when Mick knocked Ray's baseball cap off.  “When you gonna get a haircut?”

Ray shrugged.  “Dunno.  Maybe I'll let it grow out.”

“Hippie.”

“Hey, at least I can have long hair.”

 “I can grow hair.  Just not worth the trouble.”   Ray snorted so Mick elbowed him, which led to Ray kicking at his shins.  Mick shoved Ray back onto the couch and mussed up his hair with both hands.  At one point they were almost nose to nose and Ray began to giggle.

 “For a second I thought you were gonna kiss me.”

 Mick's swallowed hard.  “What if I was?”

 “Um, I, uh,” Ray stammered.

 “S'okay, Ray.  Just goofin' around." 

“You could,” Ray whispered, chewing his bottom lip.  “If you wanted to. Though I don't know why you'd want to.”

That did it.  Mick kissed him.  It was simple and utterly perfect.  “I missed you,” he confessed.

 “You were only gone for six days.”

 “Feels like a lifetime.  Gotta make up for that.”

 “With kissing?”

 “To start.”

Ray squirmed and picked at his fingernails.  “Um, you know how I told you I have trouble remembering stuff?  Well, I don't _think_ I've ever kissed a guy before.  So I'm pretty sure I haven't done other stuff either.  But if you show me I'll try to learn real fast.”

“I know you will, Babe,” he replied confidently.  “You don’t have to be scared. I'd never hurt you.”

 “I know you wouldn't, Mick.  You're my friend. You're not like...um...I can't remember.  But you wouldn't.”

 xxx

Ray wouldn't even look at him.  He'd gotten his one punch and expressed his extreme displeasure about the number of toilets he'd cleaned, but now that they were safe in Nate's mom's basement Mick tried to explain.

“Don't talk to me,” Ray hissed.  “Don't even look at me. I am only keeping it together right now because I don't have my suit and we need to get the rest of the team away from Thawne.”

“Just let me-”

Ray glared at him.  “I can't believe you did this to me.  I thought were friends – partners you said.  What did I ever do to deserve this? It wasn't enough to make me dumb - you had to turn me into your personal plaything? I can't even begin to make sense of it.  I'm wearing a pair your boxers right now. God, the things we did…I feel sick.”

“You weren't stupid,” Mick insisted. “Maybe you weren't a genius and you had a regular life.  At least you weren't Thawne's puppet.  But you and me – that's real. I didn't _make_ you do anything.”

Ray got angrier.  “I was put here, in this place, against my will.  My mind was altered.  That is the definition of coercion.  You don't even know how hard it's been for me this month.  My brain was on fire and I started hoarding bits of tech in my apartment without knowing the reason.  Every time I thought about trying to explain it to you I got nauseous.  Stupid me was cared of what you might think.   When you showed up at my apartment with Nate I thought he might be one of Thawne's goons so I pretended to be even dimmer than usual so _you_ wouldn't get in trouble.”

Mick grimaced.  “I didn't know you were having problems with your memories comin' up.  If you'd told me I would have found a way to help you sooner.  Please believe me, Babe.”

“Don't call me that!  I am not your Babe, your boyfriend – _your_ anything. For fuck's sake, Mick, I'm not gay.”


	2. The shadows I hide in, it's always the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starting at the end of Season 2 and jumping around in season 3  
> How does jumping around in your own history, let alone the entire timeline, affect your memory?  
> Aren't regular memories hard enough?

“Did we do it?”  Nate was hesitant.  “Is it fixed?”

Sara let out the breath she felt like she’d been holding for hours, releasing only a fraction of the tension she’d been carrying for days.  “The spear's gone.  We're all alive.   I _think_ we’re okay.”  The Legends counted their blessings and scurried back to the ship, only stopping once because Mick stumbled and fell. Understandably, Ray was concerned. 

“Are you sure you're not hurt?”

“My head!” Mick gasped. “S’gonna explode.”  Ray and Nate each grabbed an arm and helped him to the med bay where Gideon confirmed that he was not suffering from any physical injury.  Arms shaking visibly, Mick's speech was slurred and his eyelids fluttered rapidly.  “Thatsh not how it was shupposed to be.  Too-too-toooo much.”

Ray shrunk down his suit and tried to make sense of the EEG.  “What’s going on, Gideon?”

“That is what I am attempting to determine, Doctor Palmer.   As you can see, Mister Rory is experiencing an elevated amount of cerebral activity.”

“It’s not a seizure,” Ray concluded.  “It’s like something is overloading his brain.”

 “Based on the unique circumstances surrounding the last few hours I have a theory.”  The AI seemed hesitant.   

Rip entered the med bay.  “Feel free to speculate, Gideon.”

“As a result of the Time Masters' manipulation, Mister Rory possesses a _unique_ neurological physiology.  Perhaps because of that he is capable of perceiving aspects of the timeline currently being overwritten due to the intervention of your other selves.”

Ray looked to Rip for reassurance. “It’s as good a guess as any,” the former Time Master acknowledged.  “Extended stays at the Vanishing Point are not without side effects.   It should pass.  Gideon, a muscle relaxant could minimize Mister Rory’s discomfort.”

A minute later, the shaking stopped and Mick went limp; his eyes glassy.  “Haircut, youse all right?” His mouth continued to move for a few seconds after he'd posed the question.

“I'm fine, Mick.  Still getting over the shock of seeing you – at least I thought it was you- getting killed.”

 “M'sorrry, Ray. Gotta believe me.” He tried to sit up but flopped back against the headrest.  Ray picked up a limp gloved hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

“I know, Mick.  I know you are.  It’s all done now.  We fixed it. You just rest.”

 xxx

_After the events in Ivy Town_

Through Firestorm’s empathic link Martin became aware of something upsetting occurring on the other side of the ship.  “What's going on, Jefferson?”

“Ray's been in the shower for about half an hour so I stuck my head in the bathroom to see if he was he was done and I found him sitting there with the water on.  I asked him if he was okay and he shouted at me, “Where were you? I waited for you!”

Martin reached across the table, poking at the Mick’s book to get his attention.  “Sara used the short-term memory neutralizer on Raymond's younger self, correct?  Jefferson reports that he is behaving oddly.”

Mick removed his glasses.  “Yeah she used the flashy thing. Probably just a delay in memory integration.  Happens sometimes.”

Jax’s anxiety was not diminished. “I don't think we should just leave him in there."

“What do you suggest we do, Mister Rory?” Martin looked at the other man expectantly.

 “I drink until the problem goes away, but he should probably sleep it off.  Steer him toward his room and I'll grab a sedative from Gideon.”

To their combined relief, Martin and Jax discovered that Ray had gotten himself out of the shower but was now standing in the middle of the bathroom in his soaked bathrobe.  “Let's get you to your room, Raymond.”  As Martin put put hand on the taller man’s shoulder, Ray pulled away sharply.  

“Don't touch me!” He sounded both angry and frightened. 

“Ooookay,” Jax breathed.  He tried a different approach.  “Hey Ray, you look really tired.  Why don't you hit the hay?” Ray shuffled slowly into the hallway. 

“It wasn't my fault,” he said abruptly, giving Jax a pleading look. 

“Uh huh,” Jax murmured in agreement.

Becoming more upset, Ray began scratching the backs of his hands nervously.  “It wasn't.  I didn't want that.  I thought you would - why didn't you save me like before?” Head hung down and looking younger than his years, Ray trudged toward his quarters.

Mick met them at the door with a glass of water and a pill. 

“C'mon, take your medicine and go to sleep.  It'll be better in the morning.”

“It will?”

“Probably.  Look, I'll sit with you until you pass out, 'kay?”

“You’ll make sure no one comes in?”

“Sure, Haircut.” Mick waved the other two off and took over babysitting duty. 

Jax didn't want to embarrass Ray, but he wasn't keen on acting as if nothing was wrong. He nudged Martin at breakfast the next morning.  “Everything all right this morning, Raymond?”

“Yeah, I feel fine.  Why, do I look sick or something?”

“Not at all.  A good night's sleep does wonders.”

xxx

Since Sara had determined that only half the team was needed to deal with the latest anachronism Zari and Ray opted for helping Jax with maintenance.  Zari was openly curious about how the Waverider worked, and Ray was grateful for a distraction.  If anyone noticed him behaving strangely he planned to say that he was dealing with the ethical implications a sentient gorilla.   What was really bugging him was being kissed by Mick.  The night before, when he stepped inside Ray's room he swept the surprised scientist into his arms and pressed their lips together firmly. Ray overcame momentary shock and got his hands up between their bodies to push Mick away.  “Uh-uh. No way,” he stated firmly “Even if that was okay with me I don’t think I would want our first time to be when you’re as drunk as...well as you are now.”

Mick seemed confused.  “S'not our first time, Babe.”

Ray put his foot down.  “I don’t know what to do when you talk like that. I don't mind being your bunk mate so we can both get some rest, but stuff like that is not okay.  I’m not a stand-in for whoever you’re really thinking of.  You need to leave.”

Looking at him sadly, Mick brushed his fingers against Ray's cheek.  “Just miss you so much,” he whispered as he slunk out of the room. 

 

“Ray.  Earth to Ray.”  Zari poked him in the stomach. 

“Ow! Oh, sorry.”  Ray handed her the meter to confirm there was no leakage at the site of the latest repair. 

“You know, if you're going to sulk about being left behind on the ship you should have volunteered to go to the bar with Nate.”

Ray frowned.  “I'm not upset about that.  Nate will be fine.  He handles those types of situations better than I do.”

Zari moved her hand down the conduit to the next junction.  “Handle what?  Drinking ?”  Ray readied the replacement parts while she unscrewed the housing.

“Going to gay bars.”  Ray passed her the necessary tools and tried to explain.  “I don’t have a problem with LGBT folks.  I just don’t know how to act and if someone hits on me I don’t know what to say and then I get flustered.  After that I'm not very much help.”

Zari smirked while she tightened a loose fitting.  “It’s fine, Ray.  I’m sure you’re smoother with the ladies.  Though I believe I saw you tripping over your tongue around Helen like all the other guys.”

Ray sighed as he took a turn sticking his hands in the ship’s guts.  “I still can’t believe I acted like that.  But just because I don't leer at every attractive woman I see or give Amaya longing looks twelve times a day doesn't mean I don't – look, I do all right.”

“Uh huh. How exactly does one go about getting some action while on this ship?”  Ray cocked his head and his face scrunched up.  “Eww, Ray, no!” Zari replied with a disgusted look.

He relaxed instantly.  “Oh, thank goodness.  I mean, I'd be flattered, but like you said, no.”

“Definitely no,” she reaffirmed.  “I didn't mean _on_ the ship so much as traveling on it.  Are we allowed to fraternize with the locals without messing up history?”

 “You mean any more than we do already? It doesn't seem to cause problems as long as we behave semi-appropriately to the time period we're in.”

“Does the _captain_ approve?”

“Sara's gotten plenty friendly on occasion so she doesn’t judge how we spend our down time.  Just try to be careful, and be ready to leave at a moment's notice.”

Pulling their respective hands free the pair replaced panels and confirmed they hadn't broken more than they'd fixed before putting away all their tools.  “Does it bother you?” Zari asked. “The lack of something long-term?”

Ray reached his arms above his head and stretched.  “Not as much as it used to.  The alternative is being alone all the time.”

“Captain Lance has returned,” Gideon announced over the speakers.

Sara informed them that the mission was a success and that she was going to hold down the fort while everyone enjoyed a night off.  Ray grabbed his jacket, in case of rain, then proceeded to walk around the nearest city block twice while he tried to summon the courage to go into the bar he knew Nate had been in an hour before.  His head buzzed with random thoughts; like filled moths in competition to get closest to the porch light.  “I have been feeling lonely lately.  Why does Mick's kiss me make me angry? I don’t have the best track record with relationships but the prospect of a lifetime of one-night stands is not appealing.  I wish I didn’t get so scared when a man looks at me like that. Why can't I let go of the past?"

Recalling all the terrifying things he'd faced since accepting the mantle of “Legend” it suddenly seemed foolish to avoid something as simple as someone flirting with him. “I survived Vandal Savage,” he reasoned.  “I can go have a drink without losing my cool.”

He was about to cross the street when someone called out his name.  Ray’s heart skipped a beat as Nate approached.  Hands shoved in his pockets, he hoped he didn't look too much like a panicked rabbit.  “Hey man, were you looking for me?” Ray gave a curt nod.  “Glad you came out.  This place down the street has arcade games and Amaya's kicking my butt at Galaga.  You gotta help me out.”  Ray managed to smile. 

“Sure thing. Didn't have anything else planned.”


	3. Haunted by your effigy

Finding the dog-eared copy of H.G. Wells' The Time Machine made Zari's smile.  The book's presence in the Waverider's library seemed more whimsical than she would expect of Rip Hunter.  Plucking it off the shelf, she cracked the book open to discover a folded envelope stuck in the middle.  Inside was a tiny memory card.  There were two names written on the outside.  The first, _Ray_ , was crossed out and _Mick_ was scribbled below.  She delivered it to the latter, who regarded it with suspicion. “Ain’t mine.”

“Maybe drunk you hid it for you to find later.”

“I hate scavenger hunts.  You figure it out.”

It was easy enough to determine that the card came from a cell phone.  In Ray's lab, they discovered calls back and forth between just two numbers.

“There’s one text exchange,” Ray announced, pulling it up on the lab’s display screen.

 

_Coming over 2nite?_

**10-4 good buddy**

_Babe, cut that out or I'm gonna slug ya_

**Think you'd rather kiss me**

_Get over here and we’ll see_

**10-4 over and out**

_Showing you Convoy was a mistake_

“Loved that movie when I was a kid,” Mick noted.

When they checked out the picture gallery they found shots of Ray, usually dressed in a jumpsuit and wearing a baseball cap backwards.  In one he had a piece of pizza clenched in his teeth and a video game controller in his hands; his attention focused on the television in front of him.  Interspersed with selfies where Ray was making goofy faces were shots of Mick doing mundane things like cooking, sleeping, or  brushing his teeth.  He appeared to be tolerating the picture taker. 

Ray was befuddled.  “I don't understand. When and where were these taken?  I don't remember any of that.”  

“Hey there are three videos,” Zari pointed out, clicking on the first.  

 

Mick was in bed; sheets tucked loosely at his waist.  Ray was apparently doing commentary.  “Here we have a fine example of the Rory bear.  This specimen is hibernating.  We should be able to observe him safely from this distance.”  He yelped as Mick awoke and grabbed him.  The phone fell to the floor and everyone was treated to a close up of the carpet as they listened to fake roars followed by laughter.  “Nooo, no tickling! Have mercy!”

“Quit playing nature photographer and get your ass back in bed.”

“Aw, I wish I could Mick. Some of us have actual jobs to get to.”

“I'll write you a note.”

“I don't think my boss will accept that.” Ray's tone was grave.  The phone was retrieved and the video ended.

 

Ray ran his fingers through his hair.  “I’m going to get the others,” he announced.  Once everyone was gathered, Zari recounted how she'd found the card and they reviewed the pictures and first video.  After a second viewing Mick looked more grumpy than usual, and Ray was tight-lipped and pale.  Amaya spoke up first.  “Is this from some other Earth? Perhaps if we watch the other two videos to see what they can tell us.”

Nate seemed unsure.  “It seems kinda private.”

Sara looked to Ray who crossed his arms protectively over his chest.  “I don't have anything to hide.  That's not me.” Mick waved his hand and rubbed his head. 

 

In the second video clip Ray was filming himself. “Hey, it's me, Ray.” He tapped his name tag for emphasis.  “I built something again, though I'm not sure how.  I've been feeling really weird lately.  I know there’s something wrong with me, and not just because I don't know stuff I probably should.  Mick said I'm not stupid, so maybe I'm just confused.  I took more junk from the trash at work, on top of the other stuff I borrowed.  I will definitely take those magnets back when I’m done.  I made this gun-beam-thing and I have a really strong feeling that it will fix me, but I don't know how I know that.  I'm scared to try it.  What if I'm wrong and it makes me _really_ dumb so Mick doesn’t like me anymore?  What if it’s not me, but the world that’s messed up? How am I supposed to fix the whole world?  Maybe I just have to live in it.  It's not so bad sometimes. I have a job, and my own place, and a boyfriend.”  Ray paused, grinning.  “Mick's my boyfriend. I didn't think I'd ever have one of those, and it's pretty great.  He gave me this phone! He never makes me feel bad when my brain freezes. I should probably tell him about this so he can help me figure out what to do.”

 

Zari was flabbergasted. “What the hell was that about?”  She looked to Mick for answers.

“How the hell would I know?” he shot back.  “Ask Ray.”

Ray was staring at the floor. 

Sara held up her hands.  “Let’s get through the last one then we can _all_ freak out.”

 

The last video had Mick in his WWI military uniform looking distraught.  “Not sure why I'm making this.  Don't know what to do now you’re gone. I'm gonna be gone soon too, along with everyone else if we somehow manage to fix this mess I got us into.  I'm sorry, Babe - Ray. I want _everyone_ to know how sorry.  I thought I didn't need the team, and then I figured you all didn't need or want me either.  Snart wanted old me, but I can't go back to that.   Between the spear and Snart my head got all messed up, but when I helped 'em make that screwed up world – Thawne's world – I tried to keep you guys safe.  I swear all I did was ask for you to be safe.  Ray, I didn't mean for you to be something you're not.   You said it was co-coer-coercion, but I thought it was the way it coulda been for us.  I would never make you...I swear to God, Ray.”  He paused to catch his breath. “I’m gonna make it right - take it all back.  You and Amaya will be okay and you won't ever look at me like I'm a monster.  Whoever finds this, give it to me so I spend the rest of my worthless life making up for this.  And if I didn’t make it, give it to Ray so he knows I tried.  In Russia you said there was stuff worth dyin' for so, uh, I best get to it.”

 

Amaya wiped tears from her eyes with one hand and grasped Mick's elbow with the other.   

“This isn’t from a different earth.  It’s from when the Legion used the spear.”  Nate surmised.  

“I helped 'em.”  Mick's voice was dull and hollow.  His eyes were unfocused.  “ Did, whatever the hell this is.  I can't...”  He broke off mid-sentence and bolted from the room. Amaya and Zari followed. 

 Ray was sitting in a chair staring at the screen.   “I'm not,” he whispered and then repeated himself, shaking his head from side to side slowly and arrhythmically. 

“Not what?” Nate asked.  

“I'm not gay,” Ray whispered.  “Just because someone makes you do stuff it doesn’t make you that way.  He said he could tell, but he also said he was my friend and that was a lie.”

 “Who said that?” Sara asked gently.

Ray ignored all inquiries and continued his rambling train of thought, rocking himself and trying to make sense of what he’d seen.  “But if I was gay there...”  he waved his hand toward the screen.  “And Mick, why? I don’t understand!”

Moving slowly, Nate crouched in front of Ray and put his hands on his friend's knees.  “Buddy, it's okay if you can't figure it all out right now.  Do you want me to get something from Gideon to help you calm down?”

Ray took several deep ragged breaths, holding each for a few seconds before exhaling.  “No, I'm fine. It’ll stop if I sit here awhile.”

“Take all the time you need,” Sara vowed.  “We’re not going anywhere.” 

 

 Zari hung back while Amaya followed Mick into the med bay.

 “I know you're upset, but there's no need to panic,” she said

Mick was incredulous.  “Really? Not only did I fuck over the entire team, I was literally screwing Ray.  Do you know I've been going to his room at night?  Can't trust myself.”

Amaya remained calm.  “Mick, we all knew that you were influenced by the Spear and Snart to join the Legion.  But you regretted that decision and got the whole team back together so that we could undo that evil.  None of us holds that against you.”

“You should,” Mick grumbled. 

 

In the hall outside Zari was trying to put the pieces together as Sara approached.  “In this other timeline Ray and Mick were in a relationship, but Ray was brainwashed or something?”

Sara tried to explain.  “All of our lives were re-written and the memories of our true selves blocked until Ray's invention fixed us and we got together to change things back.  We met our future selves.”

“Well that sounds complicated."

"It was," Nate agreed.  Ray moved past the group and went into the medbay. 

"Could we have some privacy, Amaya?"

She exited swiftly and Mick began rummaging through cabinets.  

 “What are you doing?” Ray asked him tiredly.

“Gonna find something for Gideon to fry my brain for good and then you can dump me off someplace where I won’t hurt anybody.”

“I will do no such thing, Mister Rory.”  Gideon sounded indignant.

Ray tried to reason with him.  “Look, it had to be hard for you to watch those videos.  I don't have even a sliver of memory of that person – that me.  It's difficult to understand, but I'm not mad at you. I can accept it.”

“You don't have to accept a damn thing.”   Mick scowled.  “I'm the one made it weird, comin' over all the time.  Didn't even know why, but it wasn’t right.”

Ray felt the anxiety pressing on the inside of his chest, but he didn't back down.  “Mick, all of us have trouble sleeping at one time or another.  I've never had a problem.”  Mick raised an eyebrow, prompting Ray to revise his statement.  “Okay a couple times you were a little handsy, and once you kissed me.” 

Mick slapped his thighs emphatically. “Knew it.”

“Hey, when I told you it made me uncomfortable and asked you to leave, you did.  No harm done.  Now I know your brain was trying to process stuff from our other lives.  You just got me confused with dumb Ray.”

“Wasn't dumb,” Mick insisted angrily.  “He-you-sonofabitch- _that_ Ray was just…different. Look, we can put this behind us if we all forget about it.  I'll destroy the card, you can all use the flashy thing.”

“I don't want to forget,” Ray swore.  “I've already got one repressed memory.  I don’t need to start a tab.”

“Okay but we ain’t talkin’ about this all the time.  We leave it.  That ain’t me or you in those pictures.”

Ray nodded.  “All right.  If that’s what you want.”


	4. But the sickness bites hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mallus is defeated and it's smooth sailing from here on out, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beginning of the discussion of Ray's past trauma.

After the victory high had faded a familiar tension began simmering under the surface of Ray’s skin.  The evidence of his insomnia was all over his face.  One morning at breakfast Nate pointed out the obvious.  "Ray you have to do something about this."  He made circle motions with his finger, highlighting the darkness under his friend’s eyes. 

“I'm trying, Nate.  We can't all pass out wherever we sit for two minutes.”

“That's a gift.  Twenty-minute power nap and I'm ready for more research.”

“I can’t get my brain to shut down," Ray lamented.  "Hell, maybe I _was_ better off dumb.  At least I looked well rested.”

Zari brought up the subject to her new project.  "After Gideon and I had our heart to heart I started thinking about how that sort of _guidance_ could have therapeutic applications.”

“All right,” Nate crowed. “Vision quest.”

“Please, no more Lyoga root," Wally pleaded.   

Zari continued.  “I devised a way to walk people through their memories, to let a person re-examine them. It could be helpful for traumatic events.”

“Why would anyone want to relive trauma?" Sara asked.  

"Let me explain.  Memory is a tricky thing.  Our brain perceives a ridiculous number of things simultaneously, but most people can only recall a fraction of what makes up a memory.  Elevated levels of calcium in the blood, called hypercalcemia, can cause memory loss.  Conversely researches in the early 21st century found that having a person relive a traumatic event, in a controlled setting, while administering a high dose of calcium actually decreased the intensity of the memory.  The memory can't be erased, but over time its emotional impact could be lessened.  I theorize that the Time Masters' cognitive intrusion technique that puts one person's mind inside another's – which is freaky and I can't even believe you guys have done that – could be modified so a person wouldn't have to face their memory alone.”

Nate's nose wrinkled.  “Rather drink lyoga root tea.” 

“You're suggesting this for me?” Ray guessed.  “Or Mick? Or Mick and me?”

“I think anyone would benefit, but I do need a volunteer."  Zari looked at him hopefully.

Ray rubbed the back of his neck nervously.  “It sounds fascinating, Zari.  I’ll think about it.”

 

That night Ray came to Mick's room with a blanket and pillow under one arm.  “Every time I close my eyes I see something I don't want to and then I find reasons to not close them again. Can I please sack out on your floor?”

“No,” Mick said flatly.

Ray's face fell.  “Okay.  Sorry to bother you.”

Mick quickly stood up and stepped out from behind his desk.  “I mean you can't sleep here because I barely have a bed, and I ain't havin' you curl up by my feet like a dog.  We'll go back to yours.  Don't know what it is about my mug that makes you drowsy, but I'll sit with you if it'll help.”

Ray thanked him and returned to his own room, where he was able to drift off knowing someone was watching over him. 

 

Feeling considerably better the next day, Ray sought out Nate for an overdue conversation. “Can we talk? I have some personal stuff I need to figure out and I’m not getting anywhere talking to myself.”

“I’m a personable guy.  Tell Doctor Heywood what’s bothering you.

“I can’t stop thinking about him – the other me.  At first I felt sorry for him because I was thinking about it from my perspective - that something was taken from me or him.  But what he didn't know literally couldn't hurt him.  He seemed like a happy guy overall, and was definitely okay with Mick as a, uh, romantic partner.  He didn't have the issues I've had - have - because of something that happened in the past.”

“You some stuff after we saw those videos.  I didn't want to pry.  You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Ray swallowed. “When I was a teenager I spent a summer at robotics camp where an older boy, uh, took advantage of me.  I never told anyone.  At the time I was terrified of people thinking I was gay.  By the time I figured out that wasn’t the worst thing in the world... I let what we did – he did – negatively impact my self image.  I don’t know how to make it stop.”

“I’ll help however I can,” Nate assured him.

Ray was on a roll.  “What's bugging me is, if it didn’t happen, what would I be like today?  Looking back I believe I was at least bi-curious.  He - his name was Dustin - he said that he could tell that I was gay like him.  Was I?  If other Ray, who couldn’t remember Dustin, was okay being in a relationship with a man, maybe I was meant to be gay.”

“Other Ray doesn’t really exist,” Nate claimed.  "And who says what any of us are  _meant_ to be?"

“But he did- for a while anyway.  He was a real person with real feelings.  He was in love with Mick, and I think Mick loved him.”

“Are you wondering why our Mick doesn’t love _you_?” 

“No! No, that’s more than I can unpack right now.   I'm considering Zari’s memory therapy.  If revisiting some the past helps free me from some of the pain and guilt I’ve been carrying maybe I’ll be able to unravel the other stuff that's tangled up inside my head.”

 

Ray invited Zari to tea in his lab.  “Tell me more about your memory therapy.  How do you plan to keep someone's mind on track?”

Zari handed him her tablet so he could see the results of various simulations.  “I talked to Sara about the experience of being inside Rip Hunter's mind, and it sounded an awful lot like wandering aimlessly around someone's psyche hoping you run into important stuff.  That's not only unproductive, it sounded terrifying.  My set-up involves two to three people.  First of course is the subject, the person whose memory is being explored.  Then there's the guide, who stays outside and keeps things on track.  Finally, if the subject is comfortable, there can be another person brought along as a companion.  The companion can see the subject's memories through his or her eyes and is there for support.  This is mostly theoretical.  I haven't tested it on a live person yet.”  Ray scrolled through data, feeling less skeptical by the minute. 

“I' want to try it,” he decided.  “I don't know if I can convince Mick to do it, though.   Is Gideon on board, because could help monitor vital signs.”

Zari chuckled.  “Gideon and I are on the same page lately so yes, she approves of my efforts to turn this technology toward a more positive application.  I could have this set up tomorrow if you wanted to give it a whirl.”

“Let me talk to Mick.”

 

“You need me to read you a bedtime story tonight, Haircut?”

“I have a bigger favor to ask.  I'm going to try Zari's process.  I wondered if you would consider coming along with me into my head.  I always feel braver when I'm around you.”

Mick's expression was unreadable; not blank, but inscrutable all the same.  "You're not doin' it first.  What if something goes wrong?  My brain's already screwy.  You got more to lose.”

Ray smiled.  “I think your brain's as tough as the rest of you.  Could I come with you then? You shouldn’t have to be alone either.”

Mick seemed reluctant.  “You wanna see inside my head it’s your funeral.”

 

They both showed up to the med bay the next day where Zari was trying, and failing, to contain her excitement at putting her theories to the test.  “Okay guys, I'm going to give you a mild sedative.  It won't make you loopy, just relaxed enough to ease into a suggestible state.”

Mick's eyes narrowed.  “You gonna hypnotize me? Make me cluck like a chicken and you lose editing privileges.” 

Zari hurried to reassure him. “It doesn't work like that.  It's just meant to help you go with the flow of your thoughts.  Trust me.”

Mick opened his mouth to comment, but Ray interjected.  “We trust you, Zari.”

"No other drugs," Mick insisted.  "I'll kill my brain the old-fashioned way."

The two men sat back to back in chairs with electrodes attached to their heads.

“Where should we start?” Zari inquired. 

“Let’s go back to when you started hallucinating,” Ray suggested.

There was a weird blur in the darkness behind their eyelids, but gradually the world came into focus.  Ray felt like he was floating in the corner of Mick’s eye.  He could see Mick’s hands, but not feel the leather gloves covering them as they lifted bottle after bottle to his mouth.  Then he spotted Len slouching against a wall. Ray couldn't quite make out everything being said, but it was clear from the man's demeanor that he was not doling out compliments.  Mick shook his head, rubbed his eyes, and covered his ears to no avail.  His heart was racing and his stomach hurt. 

_Wait,” Ray said -thought – expressed somehow.  “Was it like that all the time?  He just appeared  to make you feel bad.”_

_“Pretty much,” Mick's disembodied voice confirmed.  “Professor said it was because I felt guilty and missed him.”_

 

There was a rapid transition to Mick standing next to Amaya as they examined the spear. 

_Ray gasped.   “My God, Mick.  It really is pulling on you.”_

_“Thought I imagined that,” Mick admitted._

Everything swirled away again.  Ray was beginning to get nauseous. 

Then suddenly he was looking at his own face, eyes shining as he laughed.  He was in bed with Mick, and from his flushed skin it was clear they hadn't been reading the newspaper.  His hands reached out to cup Mick's face.  "I was so lonely before I met you."

Mick turned away.  "I ain't a good man, Ray," he mumbled.

"You're not a bad man, Mick.  You couldn't be.  It's a bad world, and you know how to live in it."

 

Present Ray could feel the bottom go out of Mick's stomach.  _“I made that world, Haircut.”_

_“Not alone you didn't.”_

_“I made you be something you're not.”_

_“That's up for debate.”_

 

Another memory rose to the surface, unprompted.

The icicle went through his chest and he smiled, his mouth coppery. He’d finally gotten what he deserved, just as the spear had promised from the beginning.    Before everything went black he could hear Ray screaming his name.

Ray gasped for breath and then he was being shaken awake by Zari. “Hey- hey. Snap out of it.  Your blood pressure shot way up.” 

 “I'm fine.  It was just Mick died and we felt it and I...”

Mick sat up and calmly removed the electrodes from his head.  “Gotta give you credit Miss Briz, it works as advertised.  Not even a headache.”

“That's all? What did you see?”

“This and that. I went where I needed to go.”

 “But how does it feel?”

 

Ray leapt to his feet.  “It felt like he – dammit Mick did you want to die?”

Mick shrugged.  “Tryin' ta get what I wanted was what got us in the mess to begin with.  We _all_ died – our past selves anyway – what does it matter how or why?”

Ray loomed over him his hands clenched into fists.  “It matters to me!  Do you know how scared I was? I thought I'd lost you.  But then you were standing right there and I was so relieved.”  He stopped talking abruptly and took a step back. “That was much more vivid I was expecting.  I need time to process it.”  Ray exited hastily.

 

Zari looked at Mick.  “What was that about?”

 “When the other me died, he thought it was me-me.  And then he saw me and almost hugged me in the middle of a firefight.”

“Huh.  Look, I have some more questions, but I know the rules.  If there's going to be talking, there has to be drinking.”

“Always knew you were a smart chick.”


	5. a solitary thread that threatens to unwind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting into Ray's memory. It won't be graphic, but it is heavily emotional.

When Ray skipped dinner, Sara came to his quarters.

“You don’t have to check up on me.”

“Yeah well according to Zari you took to your bed with the vapors.  I came to see if you needed leeches or something.”

“Thank Doctor Tomaz, Victorian medicine woman for her concern, but I’m just thinking.”

"About the past?”

He sighed.  “I saw a couple pieces of what's in Mick’s head from the other timeline.  We need to come up with a name for it.   Nate will call it something ridiculous so I’m not asking him.  In those pictures he seemed happy with Other Ray.  I don’t remember the last time _I_ made someone happy.   It hit me so hard to see him die on the battlefield.  I think I might be in love with him.”

Sara cleared her throat.  “Wow, uh that’s a big deal then.  First, I’ll leave the real head shrinking to Zari but have you noticed that you refer to the you we saw in the video as “Other Ray” but you don’t make a distinction between our Mick and that one?  If that Ray wasn’t really you, why do you assume _that_ Mick was the same as ours?”

Ray frowned, obviously thrown by the simplest question he hadn’t thought to ask.  “That’s an awfully good point.  I’m going to have to work on that.”

Sara went on. “Next, you and Mick have gotten closer over the years, and you’ve both been through a lot.  I would expect you to have a strong reaction to his death.”

Ray sat up in his bunk.  “Does it feel different to you – when you love a woman as opposed to a man?”

“Ray, love is sort of weird topic for me, but it feels different depending on the person.  Maybe you never love the same way twice.  I don’t know.”

“I was always glad when he came to my room at night.  I didn't think anything of it at the time, but let’s face it, grown men don’t sleep together platonically.”

“Maybe they should,” Sara mused.  “There’s only so much comfort from a fist bump between bros.  Why can’t men show each other affection?”

“They can.” Ray reviewed his mental notes.  “And I was happy that Mick felt he could be that way with me, because it meant I was…special. Oh wow, I am jealous of Other Ray.  Thanks Sara.  I know what I have to do next."

 

In the morning Ray and Nate were in the gym at the same time.   Weights were lifted and muscles stretched with only the occasional grunt or whoosh of breath to break the silence.    Ray launched into his stream of consciousness knowing Nate would catch up.  “When your future self advised you to tell Amaya how you really felt about her I was bummed that I didn’t get a heart to heart with myself.  Now I really wish I’d gotten the opportunity.”

Nate took a swig from his water bottle.   “What do you think he would tell you?”

 “He’d be angry at Mick; blame him for the whole relationship under false pretenses.  I would probably defend Mick to him even as I panicked about the prospect of having been intimate with a man.  I think Sara was right.  If I can’t decide whether the guy in that video is some aspect of me that I didn’t dare let out then how could I judge the decisions made by the other Mick?  I just don’t know enough and I don’t have the right. It’s like finding out Earth-X Kara was the supreme Nazi.  I’m not going to treat the Kara we know differently because of that.   I’m going to confront my own memories, and even if he were willing at this point I wouldn’t ask Mick to come with me.  He made a big deal about trying it out first to make sure it was safe, but I could tell he wasn’t comfortable and I don’t want to push him.”

“You want me to stroll down memory lane with you?”

“Some of it might be scary and weird.”

“Which is why you bring a friend.”

“Thanks, Nate.”

 

Zari seemed surprised he was willing to give it a go so soon.  “Are you sure about this, Ray? It was pretty intense yesterday.” 

 “I'm sure.  In Mick's memories I wasn't sure what to expect, but here I know for the most part what I'm going to see.  I'm hoping to pick up more information that I missed the first time around because I was too busy living the moment to examine it.  I came up with a few suggestions for you to help guide me.  Let's try the chemical cocktail too.  I'm only to happy to let these memories fade."

Zari got an IV started in Ray and dripped in the calcium solution.  When he was relaxed she made a suggestion.  “New Year’s Eve, Ray.”

 

 “Good morning, Doctor Palmer.” A smiling young man stepped onto the elevator with Ray.  

“Good morning, Doctor Bennett,” Ray replied.  “How's the new year looking?  I hope your head has recovered?”

“Only just. My lips are still tingling though.”  He brushed the back of his hand over the cuff of Ray's very starched shirt.  Flinching,  Ray scooted to the corner of the elevator, giving himself distance from the other man. 

“Eric, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.  I overindulged the other night.  Champagne goes right to my head.  I shouldn't have let you kiss me.”

Eric Bennett looked puzzled.  “ _You_ kissed me, Ray.  Obviously I kissed you back, and it was a delightful surprise.  I’d like you to have dinner with me this week before I have to go back to New York.  I’d like to get to know you better.”

Ray sighed deeply.  “I’m sorry, Eric.  What I’m trying to say is that I don't make a habit of kissing other men, let alone dating them.  It was a mistake, and I apologize for any confusion I caused.”

Bennett straightened his suit jacket.  “I see,” he replied looking grim.  “My mistake, Doctor Palmer."

 

_“I’d almost forgotten that New Year's Eve," Ray explained to Nate.  "I wanted to kiss him, and I was wracked with guilt after.”_

 

Zari spoke in a calm easy voice.  “Ray, go back to a time someone hurt your feelings.”

 

Suddenly he was looking at a younger version of himself, but instead of his usual warm expression he looked twisted and angry. 

_“Nice hair,” Nate teased._

_“That's not me.  It's my brother.”_

“Why are you mad that Amy asked me to the dance, Sydney?” 

Sydney rolled his eyes.  “Because she's supposed to ask me.  You should have told her no.”

“Why? I like her, and she kind of likes me.  When we were lab partners in AP Biology she said you were rude to her all last semester.”

“Shut up.  You just don't know how girls are.  They like it when act like you don't care. That's why it doesn't matter how much you hang out in the weight room and follow me around.  You'll always be my little brother.”

“By 40 minutes! And me working out has nothing to do with you.  I just wanna be stronger, okay.”

 “Whatever,” Sydney scoffed.  “Doesn't matter how buff you think you look.  You're still a geeky fag.”

Ray's fist shot out and caught Sydney in the jaw, knocking his head back.   Ray pushed him to the ground and continued to rain blows down on him while shouting, “Take it back, Syd!”

_"I take it he didn't know," Nate guessed._

_"Nope.  He was just being a jerk brother."_  

 

Zari redirected them.  “Ray, I want you to go back to the summer before.  You were fourteen.”

 

Ray could see the cluster of cabins where almost a hundred people were spending six weeks on circuits, programs, and bringing their creations to life.   His heart felt light.  He was among his own kind; fellow young nerds with active imaginations and no fears of being criticized for their vision. 

_“Wow, I can feel the sun on my back,” Nate observed.  Where are you, or we, headed?”_

_“I was bored by the speaker so I went to get a book from my cabin.”_

Dustin was sitting on his cot.  “What's up, handsome?” 

Ray's cheeks got warm. “Just taking a break.”

“Cool, come sit next to me and we can hang out.”  That made Ray's heart skip a beat.  Dustin was older, maybe almost twenty, and didn't seem to care that half the girls had a crush on him. 

When he sat down, Ray noticed that Dustin was holding a textbook on human sexuality.  “Gotta refresh my memory before classes start,” he explained.  “You probably know all this already, handsome.  You could probably skip high school all together.”

“Why do you call me handsome? I mean my mom says I am, but she's biased.”

“Oh Ray, don't you even know how lovely you are?  Those big eyes and kissable lips.  Dang, listen to me going on.  I'll let you read.”

Ray's pulse raced.  “Are you, um, gay, Dustin?”

“Actually I am, Ray," Dustin replied.  "And since we're being honest, I was wondering if you  were too.  It would explain why I feel so comfortable around you.”

 

_“Well that went right into After School Special territory,” Nate remarked.  "He's not just an older kid.  He's a counselor, isn't he?"_

_“Yeah. I was so stupid."_

_"He was grooming you, Ray."_

 

Dustin and Ray were in the trees  at twilight while other campers were debating Kirk vs. Picard around the fire.  “Ray, would it be all right if I kissed you?”

“I'm not sure.  I don't know if I like that.”

“It’s just a kiss.  Don't you want to find out?”

“Well, maybe.  Okay one kiss.”

One kiss turned into three and then Ray was making out for the first time and feeling proud he was mature enough to handle it. 

“Whew,” Dustin exclaimed.  “Gonna have to stop that before I get too worked up.”  Giggling nervously, Ray's eyes flitted to the front of Dustin's shorts.  

“You ever let anyone else do it for you?” the counselor asked.

“What? Nooo.  Who would wanna do that for....oh.”

 

_“Uh Ray, I don't think I need to see this."  Nate's voice was a littler higher pitched than usual._

_“Don't worry, Nate.  I remember the rest of this night perfectly.  He said the usual things about how all guys did it and it felt good if it was someone else's hand for a change.  He was right about that.  Though I was terrified of getting caught with my dick in his hand.”_

The scene melted into another clandestine meeting, this time behind the mess hall before breakfast.  “Did you look at the magazine I put in your pillowcase?”

“Yeah, I only looked at it for a minute.  Those guys are really big, in more ways than one.”

“Don’t be intimidated, Ray.  You’re perfect just the way you are.  Did you see the things the men were doing?   I think about doing stuff like that with you.” Ray’s discomfort was palpable.

“Dustin, I like you a lot.  The kissing, and the other stuff is fun, but I have my project to finish and I don't think I'm old enough to be...”  Suddenly Ray found himself pinned against the building with Dustin's tongue in his mouth.

 

_“Man, I forgot the groping,” Ray noted.  “I was so sure someone was about to walk around the corner and see Dustin and me making out.”_

_“Uh, you know this is completely inappropriate, right?  He's an adult and in a position of authority.”_

_“I know that now.  At the time I was curious and horny. I'd forgotten how quickly it escalated."_

Zari's gentle voice spurred them on.  "Go to the treehouse, Ray."

 

 _"I don't want to go to the treehouse," Ray whispered._   _"I don't have to remember if I don't want to."_

 _"I'm here, buddy.  You're not alone."_  

Ray was with Dustin in the treehouse.  They had sleeping bags and he was pouring hot chocolate from a thermos into Styrofoam cups.

_“You hate cocoa,” Nate pointed out._

_“Yeah.  Didn’t always.”_

 

“Scoot closer, Ray.  I'll keep you warm.”

“Thanks, Dustin.  I'll miss you.  If you give me your address I'll write to you.”

“I'll miss you too, Ray.  We'll keep in touch.  Drink your cocoa and we can cuddle before you fall asleep.” 

Ray's eyelids were very heavy and he started to drift off.  He felt his shirt being removed.

The next thing he knew it was morning and he was naked in his sleeping bag.

 

_“That's it? I really don't remember anything from the night before?"_

_"I think he roofied you."_

_"I didn't block it out because it's just not there.”  Ray was irate._

_“Isn't that kind of a good thing?”_

_“ I suppose.  I don't know.  It's not like I couldn't figure out what happened.  I was hurt and ashamed, and I wanted to go home. I didn't tell anyone.  But then I had my yearly physical and..."_

Everything swirled and then Ray was lying on the exam table, tears running down his face as the doctor removed latex gloves and put them in the trash.  “Please don’t tell my mom,” Ray begged.

The doctor, an elderly man who had known Ray since he was a baby, helped him sit up.  “Son, I know how young men are.  Sometimes they...experiment.  It doesn’t mean they’re homosexuals.  I’ll give you some salve and some antibiotics just in case.”

Ray sniffled.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to do it.”

“You’ll be all right.  We’ll keep this between us.  Your mom’s going through a rough patch since she lost your father.  No need to worry her.  Let me give you some advice.  Girls like a boy who pays them attention.  Of course you’ll want to spend time with your friends, but you have to put her first.   Give her your full attention and make sure she knows how special she makes you feel.  You and Sydney have to be the men of the house now."

“Yes sir.”

 

_"Holy crap did he just tell you to buck up and get over being raped?" Nate was aghast._

_"I honestly did not remember that," Ray sounded bewildered.  "I know there were bruises because I hid myself until they were gone."_

_""Experiment"?  What bullshit.  How could he not see what happened."_

_"I didn't care.  I was petrified he’d tell my mom."_

_“Dude, your mom loved you.  She knew it wasn't your fault.”_

_“I know.  I was afraid she'd find out about the stuff before.  Then she wouldn't..."_

_"That is not your fault, Ray._ _Even if you'd been a couple years older. It was inappropriate from the get-go.”_

 

Zari brought them both out.  "How do you feel?"

Nate looked to Ray, who appeared lost in thought.  "I don't know," he answered honestly.  "I feel less stupid I guess.  Nate, being there really was helpful."  He turned to Nate.  "Thank you.  I should tell you that the next year Dustin got caught with another boy and some others came forward after that.  He spent some time in prison and he's a registered sex offender.  I know if I'd reported him he would have been caught sooner.  I was a coward."

"No," Nate and Zari spoke in unison.  

"That's not on you," Nate assured him.  

Zari wrapped her arms around him and squeezed as he thanked her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I have assumed that Ray and Sydney are twins.


	6. I can take care of myself, but thank you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray wants to put the bad memories in the past where they belong.  
> Special appearance by John Constantine.

Ray shut himself up in his room and put on some music that suited his melancholy.  He figured he was due for what his mother called “a good cry” so he set a box of tissues out on the bedside table while he fished out a pad of paper and a pen and began writing letters that would never be sent.   It was a technique first suggested by his grief counselor after he lost Anna.   Just because someone couldn't or wouldn't hear what you had to say didn't mean you couldn't say it. First he wrote to Dustin, transferring newly released anger into furious scribbles.  _You used my feelings to manipulate me for your own benefit.  You took my heart and left me with a shame it’s taken years to banish. You made me scared of my own feelings.   For years I avoided close friendships with other men because I was afraid it I might make another "mistake".  I’m done being afraid of you and letting what you did keep me from living the life I choose.  You no longer have any power over me._

Addressing his younger self was harder.  _It wasn’t your fault.  You might have had an intellect beyond your years but you were not emotionally mature enough to enter into that kind of relationship.  He knew that.  He saw that you were vulnerable and he used that to his advantage. He raped you.  It’s important that we use that word, ugly as it is.  And no one has any right to judge you or make you feel stupid because of what **he** did.  We grew up all right.  There were some rough spots.  Maybe we missed out on getting to know some people, or date some people, because we were scared.  We’re stronger now.  We have a good life and we can love whoever we want._

He blew his nose then folded the second sheet of paper in half and set it aside.  The last missive was the shortest.  He had a few words for Other Ray.  _I didn’t know you, but I think you were a good person who deserved to be happy.  Thank you for showing me what I needed to do._

As soon as he'd finished burning the papers to ash Gideon announced that John Constantine was on board seeking the Legends’ help.  Predictably, things went pear-shaped rather quickly.   John and Ray ended up chained together in an actual dungeon.  Not only was the mold aggravating his allergies, Constantine had the strangest ideas of what constituted acceptable small talk.  “Mate, I’ve been meaning to ask.  Do you fancy the big guy – Mick?”   Ray’s eyes rolled so hard it was almost audible. 

“Seriously?  We’re in irons with an ogre outside and what’s bugging you is whether I view Mick as a potential romantic partner?”

“Meant no offense, Ray. If the ogre’s more your type we can chat about him.  You’ve known Mick, Sara, and the others longer than me.  Just feeling out who’s shagged who and so on.”

“I haven’t had sex with either of them.”

Constantine didn’t seem to pick up the annoyance in Ray’s voice.  “Mind you, I see the appeal of a roll in the hay with Mick.  The manhandling would be spectacular, and the gloves only add to the mystery.”

Ray shifted, causing the manacles to bit into his wrists.  “I’ve seen Mick naked on several occasions,” he hissed.  “He’s just a man.”

“Several, eh?”

“Not like that.  We do laundry together and share a bathroom.  We’ve been tortured side-by-side.”

“Like trapped in a featureless room with easy-listening tunes on a loop torture or electrodes on nipples?”

“The latter.”

“For pity’s sake, Ray.  My trousers are tight enough as is.”

“It wasn’t sexy!”

“Well not for you I imagine. And I have a vivid imagination."   Ignoring the pull on his throat, Ray dropped his shoulders so he could curl his fingers into the waistband of his jeans and retrieve the miniaturized auxiliary ion blaster.  He returned it to normal size, and with one short burst the chains connecting his wrists fell apart.  He made short work of the remainder of his restraints and then John’s.  “Have you been able to do that the whole time?”

Ray glowered.  “I had to aim behind my back with you in close proximity.  Initially I was worried about injuring you.  I decided to take the risk.”

Constantine flashed his pearly whites.  “You know this is rather attractive side of you, Ray.  If things don’t work out with Mick you could give me a call.”

Ray blasted a hole in the door, alerting the ogre.  “Not bloodly likely,” he countered.

Xxx

When it was finally quiet on the Waverider. Ray got out milk, chocolate, a pan and a hot plate then asked Gideon to summon Mick.  “What’s goin’ on, Haircut?”

“I’m making cocoa,” Ray informed him.

“You don’t like that.”

“I’d like to give it another try,” Ray replied with a small smile.  “Besides, you like it, and well, we’re going to talk.”

“Oh?”  Mick looked bemused. “Any particular subject?”  He sat down and took over stirring while Ray retrieved mugs from the cupboard.

“The stuff I said we wouldn’t talk about.”

“Mmm, was wonderin’ when you’d get to that.”

“I tried avoiding it.  And when that didn’t work then I had to face it, and some other difficult memories.”  He poured two portions of steaming liquid.   “Mick, I forgive you.”

“Gonna have to be specific about what.  Got a long rap sheet.”

“Anything to do with the spear or the Legion.  Once I got my new suit built we didn’t spend as much time together and I didn’t see that you were having difficulty.  You made good; reuniting the team."

“Broke time.”

“That was a group effort,” Ray teased.  He took a sip of cocoa.  There were butterflies in his stomach, but his tongue seemed pleased.  “I can’t stop you from blaming yourself, but I wanted you to know that I’m not mad and I don’t think anyone else is either.”

“That all?”

“No.  I also wanted to apologize.  I still think what I said after we saw those videos is true.  That wasn’t me or you.  Maybe it was a part of us, or something we could have been, but I was never angry at you.  I was confused about how other you made other me feel, which made me feel weird.”

“Getting kinda complicated with the not-me and you."  Mick took a swig of cocoa and made a face. Ray pulled a bottle out from under the table. 

“Fix it up how you like it.”  That brought a smile to the other man’s face.  As Mick Irished up his drink Ray took the opportunity to lay out all his feelings on the table.  “I’ve been wrapped up in myself lately – dealing with my feelings and my past.  I've completely ignored how this might have impacted you.  It turns out that I’m bisexual and probably always have been.  It’s a long story that I won’t go into now.”

“Thank God.”

“See, there.  I haven’t ever asked you if you’re religious.  I feel like I should know that about you.”

“That’s a different conversation.”

“Yeah, you're right.  Best stay focused.  Uh, so you’re bi too?”

“Been into dudes from time to time,” Mick confirmed.  “You sayin’ you’re into me?”

Ray got hot under the collar.  “Looks that way.  I mean, I did almost hug you in the middle of a world war I was so happy you weren’t hurt.”

“Huh.  What do you suggest I do with that information?”

“Whatever you want,” Ray replied, then quickly backpedaled.  “I mean, within reason,  I did _just_ come out of the closet.”

“Bold of you to assume I think you’re hot.”  Ray froze for a second until he caught the glint in Mick’s eye.  He puffed out his chest a bit.

“That’s me, bold new Ray.  I guess the next step is to ask you out on a date, which is sorta weird since we live together.

“And we’ve slept together.”

“You can come to my room to sleep anytime you feel like it,” Ray blurted.  “I like it when you’re there.  You’re a good big spoon.  Look, I know it's weird and I'm probably different than other boyfriends you’ve had, but I want to give it a shot.”

“Never had a boyf-look I ain't callin' you that.  I ain't the hand holding and flowers type.”

“Figured you were more of a knock off a warehouse delivery and drive all night to Vegas kind of guy.”  That brought a hint of a smile to Mick’s lips.  Ray pretended to consider the matter further. “Maybe stake a vampire and find an all night diner so you can get waffles at 3 A.M.?  Or how about you wield a mystical totem to kick a demon’s ass.  Because I could get into date night activities like that.” 

Mick’s nostrils flared and he got on his feet abruptly.  “Ray?”

“Yeah, Mick?”

“Gonna hug you now.  Don’t swoon.”

“I’ll try.”  The two men embraced; friends, partners, and maybe something more.

Ray squeezed Mick and spoke softly.  “I missed you.”

“Missed you too, Babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So not as much Mick/Ray as Ray getting to Mick/Ray but thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Personally, I believe a relationship between Mick and Ray's relationship in Doomworld could be consensual. At the very least there wouldn't be any reason for Mick to believe it wasn't.


End file.
